Looking for a good laugh? John Mulaney quotes are some of the funniest you’ll find. But before diving into his best quotes, let’s get to know John Mulaney.
John Mulaney is a talented American writer, actor, producer, and stand-up comedian. He has been in the spotlight since 2008, known for his work on Saturday Night Live and his comedy specials.
Mulaney’s journey into comedy started early. In junior high, instead of writing reports, he and a friend performed skits for their teacher. This early start paved the way for his successful career.
After graduating, Mulaney moved to New York to chase his dream. He worked hard, starting with an office job at Comedy Central. A few years later, he joined the SNL writing team and created some of its most iconic sketches.
Whether on stage or behind the scenes, Mulaney is one of the funniest comedians around. He even made his film debut, voicing Peter Porker in the animated film Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse in 2018.
Now, let’s enjoy some of the best John Mulaney quotes that capture his unique humor and wit.
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John Mulaney Quotes
“You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.”
“I do longer runs on things, a lot of stories. I really like one-liners, I like a lot of different kinds of standup but I’ve always been long-winded.”
“Things don’t exist until they exist.”
“Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I’m new in town.”
“I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute.”
“You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.”
“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.”
“Why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken.”
“The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”
“I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die.”
“Why do people shush animals? They just go ‘Shhh, hey, shhh.’ They’ve never spoken.”
“In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”
“I like the idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be.”
“Understudies don’t normally get invited to openings.”
“I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.”
“I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, lets’s just call it Delta Airlines.”
“My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up.”
“You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.”
“I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.”
“I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think, ‘Oh, yeah, I could be like that.”
“If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.”
“I don’t look older, I just look worse.”
“I kind of thought, wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of the mainstream?”
“People having expectations maybe means they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done.”
“Being president looks like the worst job in the world.”
“I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would blackout, and I would ruin parties.”
“Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.”
“I’m a very straightforward person. But that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you’re talking about everyone else.”
“In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you’re doing it.”
“I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV.”
“I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”
“My standup persona is like I’ll heighten things, but I’m observing the world as it is in sort of a heightened emotional state.”
“I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?”
“You remember being 12 when you’re like, ‘No one looks at me or I’ll kill myself.’”
“I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.”
“I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.”
“I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.”
“I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die.”
“It’s really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You almost have more control.”
“My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.”
“Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome.”
John Mulaney Quotes About College
“College was like a four-year game show called “Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?.”
“The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, was Stranger Danger. The hottest ticket in town. The Bruno Mars of assemblies.”
“In their letter, they were like, ‘Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given us money.’ I was like, ‘Hey, it’s been a while since you housed and taught me.”
“I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to read Jane Austen, and then I didn’t.”
John Mulaney Quotes About School
“As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter… With my friends, I was still an extrovert.”
“If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.”
“As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter With my friends, I was still an extrovert.”
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